I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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