took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
