I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
