So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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