Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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