Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
