is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
