I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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