i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
They took my balls.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
