My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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