I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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