I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
