My underwear smells like fireworks.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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