Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
