Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
