i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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