Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
