Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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