More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
