Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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