Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
