Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
