Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
