last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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