all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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