Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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