Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
