so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
