If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
