I cannot find my penis.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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