It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
