My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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