I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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