smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
