she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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