We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
