i barfeds in our rink
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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