....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Houston, we have a blender
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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