Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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