i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
