i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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