If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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