You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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