Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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