My cat gives me a boner
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
