His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
