I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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