How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
