well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
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