I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
