Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
