Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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