Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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