I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
