im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
