i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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