9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
