Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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