Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
