You just made me feel so damn special
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
