I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
