i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize