Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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