just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
