She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
